A Journey of self-discovery and sobriety
Hello, I am Graeme. Last October, at the age of 35, I was diagnosed with ADHD, a condition I had long suspected I had. On New Year’s Eve, I began medication for ADHD, marking a significant turning point in my life.
I was always a heavy drinker - not a paralytic drunk - but always merry. People expected it of me at parties and social events. It made me feel like me and I was a fun me. The life and soul of the party. Hangovers were rare and I felt like I was in control. My dad died aged 50 of alcoholism but I always reassured myself that I wasn’t like him. I am a happy drinker.
Just over a week ago was Easter Sunday. A day of renewal and hope, a time when we celebrate new beginnings and the promise of a brighter future. For many, including myself, it’s a day to gather with loved ones, attend community events, and partake in traditions such as egg rolling. My daughter, wife and I always go to a hill that overlooks Linlithgow in Scotland called Cockleroy to roll eggs. It has always been my place of reflection on Easter Sunday, a tradition that I hold dear. It’s a place where I can connect with nature and reflect on the significance of the day.
A new beginning
This Easter Sunday marked a personal resurrection of sorts—a triumph over personal struggles and the embracing of a new beginning.
Ninety days earlier, we took a family walk up Cockleroy, but I didn’t feel refreshed, instead, I was battling inner demons and drowning in regret from an almighty hangover. It was Boxing Day, and I had drunk so much at Christmas that I blacked out. When my daughter had told me that I was “weird” the night before I realised the destructive path I was on and made a decision to change.
The lyrics of Building 429’s “Fear No More” resonate deeply with me, especially the line, “fear is just a liar running out of breath”. These words remind me that fear, much like my addiction, has no power over me anymore. As I rolled eggs down the hill with my favourite people, I felt a sense of joy and gratitude. The sun setting on Easter Sunday served as a beautiful metaphor for the darkness of my past being overtaken by the light of my present. In this moment, I am reminded of the strength and resilience we all possess.
My journey towards this point has been one of introspection and understanding, particularly regarding the correlation between alcohol and ADHD. Research indicates that individuals with ADHD are more prone to alcohol misuse, often starting to drink at a younger age and drinking heavily. This is partly because alcohol can temporarily mask the restlessness and anxiety associated with ADHD, leading to a cycle of dependence as one seeks relief from these symptoms.
Dopamine in a glass
For me, alcohol was a means to feel more like myself, especially around family where I struggled to fit in. It was also dopamine in a glass. An easy fix to make me feel better. It was a way to cope with the social pressures and the internal turmoil caused by ADHD. However, this self-medication only exacerbated the problem, as heavy drinking can intensify ADHD symptoms over time, leading to increased impulsivity and difficulty in managing emotions.
The realisation of my alcohol problem came late, but it was a pivotal moment. Understanding the link between my ADHD and alcohol consumption has been quite a punch-in-the-gut moment of realisation. The medication has helped manage the ADHD symptoms, and abstaining from alcohol has allowed me to embrace a more authentic version of myself without the crutch of intoxication. I am still the fun guy at a party - just not the one reeking of booze.
100 days sober
So, Easter is now past and today I am 100 days sober and as I reflect on this journey, I am filled with gratitude for the support I’ve received and the personal growth I’ve experienced. Going forward whenever I stand atop Cockleroy, the symbolism is rich with meaning—a testament to overcoming challenges and emerging stronger.
I know this is only the beginning, and 100 days in, I am still recovering. Bumps in the road will come, I am sure. But, for those who are struggling with alcohol or any form of addiction, know that you are not alone. There is wisdom in seeking help and comfort in knowing that others have walked this path before you.