Healing the inner child and ADHD

Soon after I was diagnosed with ADHD, my thoughts shifted from "that explains a lot" to one that was hard to make sense of. Like being on a train and sitting on a backward-facing seat, seeing everything in reverse and feeling dizzy, I found myself looking back at my childhood. I have read that this is normal, but it was tough. Only now can I say that I have changed my seat, and I am facing forward, looking ahead but also able to reflect on my inner child rather than mourn. 

The Pain of Remembering  

For those of us who got an ADHD diagnosis later in life, thinking about our childhood can hurt at first but also help us heal as we consider the difficulties we faced, the misconceptions we suffered, and the resilience we unknowingly built. For many of us, getting an ADHD diagnosis later in life can be a moment of insight, revealing the challenges we have overcome and the strengths we have developed. 

I thought I had buried many memories of my childhood and teenage years, but after an ADHD diagnosis, they came back quite easily. My brain went into overdrive as I remembered moments when I realised that my childhood was shaped by undiagnosed ADHD. The times when I felt different, misjudged, or overloaded by tasks that seemed simple for others. When I misplaced things all the time, picked up new activities and hobbies and quickly lost interest and felt guilty. I remember the annoyance of being called "lazy" or "not trying hard enough", and the lasting shame that followed. 

One of the most painful memories from my teenage years is the day I got my exam results in S5 (the second last year of high school in Scotland). I had worked hard for my Highers, hoping to go to university and follow my dreams. But when I opened the envelope, all I saw were Ds and one "no award given". I felt like a total loser, like I had wasted my time and disappointed everyone. I didn't understand why I couldn't understand the material, why I couldn't concentrate or recall anything, why I couldn't do well under pressure. 

On the day I got my exam results, we had a visitor staying with us, and we walked across the Forth Road Bridge. I have no idea why we did this - and never walked across it again! But that day, I looked down at the water below and all I could see reflecting at me was a failure and a fraud. 

The Healing Process  

I have been to therapy. I take situations and remove all emotion from them and try to rationalise everything, so I don't feel it. Not great and only now do I realise it. But I still love to rationalise everything to make sense of the world around me. This time I have learned something that balances theory and emotion. 

From therapy, I have learned that as we revisit the past and notice the signs of ADHD in our younger selves, it's important to approach our childhood with empathy and understanding. We must change the story, acknowledging the resilience and strengths we built in the face of hardship. By celebrating the person we have become despite the difficulties, we can start to heal the wounds of the past and accept our unique identity. 

Reparenting our inner child is a powerful act of self-love and healing. It involves providing the understanding, support, and accommodations we needed but didn't receive. We must learn to stand up for ourselves and our needs, as we would for a child. Through inner child healing practices like visualisation, letter writing, and self-reflection, we can nurture and affirm the young person within us. 

While not completely healed, I can see now that the reflection of me in the water below the Forth Road Bridge was not me as a failure but as a boy who was just struggling with an undiagnosed condition that made learning and studying much harder. 

If I could go back in time and return to that moment on the bridge, and stand next to my 16-year-old self, I'd comfort him and reassure him that he has a bright future ahead of him. I'd tell him that he has ADHD and explain how it affects his brain and his behaviour. I'd remind him of his strengths and passions, and how they make him unique and valuable. 

I can't go back in time or change the past, but through therapy, I can heal the pain and the shame that I still carry from it and all the other painful memories. I've learned that by reparenting your inner child, you can give yourself the love and acceptance that you needed back then and that you still need now. You can recognise how far you've come, how much you've overcome, and how much you've grown. You can be proud of yourself and your achievements and celebrate your ADHD as part of who you are. 

Moving Forward  

To anyone who is feeling the same right now, I say to you that light is in front of you. As we continue our healing journey, it's crucial to embrace our ADHD identity with pride and self-acceptance. We must celebrate our unique traits and talents, recognising that our differences are not weaknesses, but rather just who we are. By developing self-acceptance and pride in who we are, we can move forward with strength and confidence. 

Oh, and I redid my exams the next year, and the year after that went to university. There, I met my soulmate. We have been married for 12 years now, and every day she is the rock that keeps me afloat.