It's time for neurotypical people to pick up on a few social cues

I fully appreciate the irony of an Austistic ADHDer writing an article telling neurotypicals to be better at picking up on social cues. I really do. But there's one really big one that comes in response to a commonly uttered phrase by people who feel awkward and don't know how to react when a grown adult announces they're neurodivergent.

Since I began to tell people I'm neurodivergent I've realised that everyone I talk to fits neatly into one of three categories. I was originally going to title this post 'Fuck off, I don't want your sympathy'. On reflection I realised two things - first, that I was just being a grouch and second that whatever category my friends, relatives and colleagues fell into, they were doing so from a place of love and support. It's just that some of it, well intentioned and all, trivialises what is a hugely challenging time.

Some people were really thoughtful in their responses. Some were simplistic with some version of "it's not really a big shock now, is it?" (maybe not to you, it was to me!).

Then there were the few people who said the classic line 'sure, we're all on the spectrum'. Most people who say this are coming from a place of misguided empathy. By equating themselves to the neurodivergent person they're speaking to, they're trying to somehow make us feel better by finding common ground. We're all in the same boat here. They're telling us they understand. Actually, unless you're an undiagnosed neurodivergent then you likely don't understand. So it's patronising to say you do.

In fairness this is quite a complex topic. Many people confuse autism being a spectrum with meaning we then must all be on that spectrum somewhere. I am not an expert, and here's an interesting article by an organisational psychologist specialising on neurodiversity that lays out the discussion a lot better than I ever could. Putting the 'everyone's on the spectrum' debate to one side, the reason why it's an unhelpful phrase to use is because it's the equivalent of giving someone a dead leg by punching them hard and repeatedly in the same spot then announcing they now have lived experience of permanent paralysis. Not feeling your leg for five minutes is not the same thing as having no use of your legs on a permanent lifelong basis.

So if you're neurotypical and have said this before, next time, pick up on the social cues and say something simple instead like "thank you for sharing that with me". Because trivialising what we're going through by claiming everyone is going through some version of the same is insulting. Those of us realising later in life don't need pity, we need compassion and understanding.