I'm still just me
Going through the diagnosis process as an adult, it's easy to convince yourself that it will provide all the answers. Originally in my head it provided a single focus point. Get to the diagnosis, that's the goal.
In the weeks and months that have now passed since getting ADHD and Autism diagnoses, I've come to realise that all a diagnosis really does is give you a key to a locked door.
The initial challenge isn‘t unlocking the door but finding it. Then when you do manage to locate it, you realise it's as complicated as the Biertan Church lock and requires much more care and attention to open than you first thought (if you're wondering about Biertan, its door activates 15 locks simultaneously when it closes).
I kicked the can down the road, waiting around for my "full ASD report", which finally arrived two weeks ago, assuming that it would provide many more answers to questions I currently don't even know to ask. It didn't. It provided the same meaningless generic appendix of information I've already seen. Though it did, at least, make me laugh.
This classic (and now very familiar) line was prominent in my final ASD report:
"Receiving a diagnosis of ASD can be relieving but overwhelming. We would recommend taking time to adjust to the news and have enclosed some resources to help."
Nestled in amongst the terrible list of resources was the suggestion that I should get myself a copy of a 2003 released DVD-ROM called Mind Reading: Emotions Library.
If I could even find a copy that costs less than £80, I'd need to search eBay to also buy an old laptop or desktop that would allow me to even load the thing. It would be laughable if this wasn't part of the package of useless bollox that passes for support for those newly diagnosed with Autism.
The Cambridge University psychologist who created Emotions Library, Simon Baron-Cohen, has written 15 books since then. Surely one of those would be a more useful (and more up-to-date) resource, like his 2020 book The Pattern Seekers: How Autism Drives Human Invention. It sounds like an interesting read. And yes, if you're wondering, the other Baron-Cohen is a cousin. Very nice.
I have tried to take the time to adjust to the news and I've still not figured anything out other than I'm still just me.
Getting a diagnosis hasn't changed who I am. It has, however, opened up a different lens through which to view my life. It allows me to be more compassionate and understand myself better. It has allowed me to acknowledge my strengths and start to better understand the challenges I have that I previously saw as flaws.
There's a lot of locks still to unpick before I fully adjust to the news and really understand what it means personally. Let's just hope the final piece of the puzzle isn't on that DVD-ROM because I can't time travel to the early 2000s.