No pity: six things not to say to someone with autism or ADHD

During 2024 I’ve had many different reactions to my ADHD and autism diagnoses. I’ve also read a lot of articles about how to respond to someone telling you about an ADHD/autism diagnosis, which mostly start with a line like this: ‘there is no right or wrong way to react to a diagnosis’. 

Frankly, as someone who has went through this, that line is bullshit. It’s primarily written to make people from the predominant neurotype feel better when they’ve responded in a crappy or insensitive way. 

Most of these articles, in fairness, come from a compassionate place and so that’s where I’ll start too. Some adults who realise later in life they’re autistic or have ADHD will experience surprise from the people they tell. Those people who are hearing the news in this situation likely won’t have had time to ponder how to respond, especially if it’s face-to-face. 

So not everyone will respond in the best way. But to break down the message that’s constantly used out there that there is no right or wrong way, I’d like to reframe it.

There is no single right way. But there is a wrong way. By that, I mean, everyone who’s doing the explaining might have a nuanced way that is the best thing for them to hear at that moment in their life… and that’s hard to know in the moment, but most people just want to feel heard and not treated differently. So you might not nail doing it the right way, but having compassion and hearing what that person says is always going to be respected. And ask questions. It's okay not to know.  

However, there is 100 per cent a wrong way to go about it. The wrong way has the potential to make someone going through quite a big time in their life to feel bad/angry/sad/insert your own adjective. So, from my own experience, here’s a few things not to say:

1. We are all a bit on the spectrum. Get in the bin. Everyone is not on the spectrum. Because you are late sometimes doesn’t mean you’ve ADHD and are “a bit on the spectrum”. Whether this comes from good intent or ignorance it does nothing other than diminish what that person is going through.
2. You don’t have ADHD because [insert stereotype of your choosing]. Whatever the ending of this sentence, it’s likely a stereotype. I had this recently from someone who said I couldn’t possibly have ADHD because I sleep at night. Thank you, Dr. Nick, but I didn't come to you for your non-informed medical opinion. I went through experts to get to a diagnosis.  
3. It seems like everyone has it these days. This is particularly the case with autism and women. The reason why more women are being diagnosed is because a) outdated stereotypes meant that women have been perennially underdiagnosed and b) more and more people are talking about it and that means more people are realising that what they’re reading or watching sounds a lot like them. Saying this is inadvertently (or maybe not) questioning the validity of a person’s diagnosis.
4. I know how you feel. Unless you are also autistic or ADHD, you do not know how I feel. Repeat after me. You don’t know how I feel. You can’t possibly know how I feel.
5. Wow, what’s your superpower? Eurgh. See Paris Hilton's new song as an example. I get that some people will use the superpower bit to celebrate themselves. And I am all for that, if that’s what you’re into and it helps you. But, for me, the use of superpower around autism or ADHD is dangerous. It forces us all to feel like me need to be ‘superhuman’ to be valuable in society. That society is only interested in the 'upsides'.
6. I’m sorry to hear that. Five words I didn’t think I’d hear from a grown adult when I told them I had ADHD. But here we are. I’ve not been told I have three months to live. You don’t need to be sorry for me. I am still the same person I’ve always been. I am just starting to understand bits of myself better. Take your pity party somewhere else.

If you’ve said any of these things to someone who has told you about a diagnosis. It sucks, but it happened. Next time you’re chatting maybe mention that you don’t think you reacted in the best way. It’ll at least make that person know you’re trying. Thank someone for feeling comfortable enough to share with you and ask any questions you have... they might not have the answers themselves but curiosity and compassion are two things most people won't be upset to hear.