The overwhelm

I thought going through a diagnosis process would make life easier. Understanding one's self and how you work would surely make things more manageable, right?

Don't get me wrong, in a way it has. Understanding how I process information, for example, especially when it comes to implied meanings, has made a big impact on my personal life.

But in a way going through the process has also messed with my head. It's been so overwhelming that it currently feels like my brain is living through its own mini drama that is a cross between the opening episode of The Bear and the helicopter scene in Goodfellas all playing out inside the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once. If that seems confusing, welcome to what my brain is currently experiencing.

It's overwhelming because not just are there two new big overarching things to cope with - ADHD and Autism - that I previously hadn't really paid much attention to, but what comes with that is so much information that I'm struggling to cope with it all. Writing has helped. It has allowed me to process some of these things and I'm working my way through the rest.

I'm conscious I've used the most vague descriptor possible with the word 'things' to describe ADHD and Autism in that last paragraph. I've done so purposely because this is where it gets tricky and why it's so confusing. Some people see Autism as a disability, some vehemently disagree. The use of language feels like such a tightrope to walk. Asperger Syndrome, for example, as a diagnostic term was 'officially retired in 2013', being 'folded into the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder' (we've not even mentioned Hans Asperger and Nazi Germany). I struggle with the terms used there - retired makes it sound like Asperger went off to a lovely retirement village and folded in? We're not making bread. We're talking about people.

Forgetting all the disagreement on what language should or shouldn't be used. There's so many new phrases that individually mean so much (and I'll be writing about many of these), that it's hard to know where to start.

Double empathy, flat effect, executive dysfunction, introverted extroversion, spikes, Monotropism, PDA (the horribly named Pathological Demand Avoidance that again causes controversy), burnout and autistic inertia are just some of the phrases I didn't know existed six weeks ago.

My brain's default reaction is to want to understand all of these phrases, not just in meaning, but how they impact (or don't impact) my life.

It's amazing to start to understand myself better. It feels like the jigsaw of my life is no longer missing all the pieces but that it just needs the time spent to study each piece and understand where it goes. That doesn't mean it can't feel phenomenally overwhelming at the same time.

So for those of you going through it. Be kind to yourself. To those of you who have a loved one, friend or colleague going through it. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing everything, who does? Most of us are in the same boat. We're all feeling the overwhelm. If you don't know something, just ask... though if you're asking me, just don't assume I'll have the answer, yet.