"When will it all fall apart?"

So this is my story about living life using masks as a tool to function and survive – day to day, every day, for most of my life!  

If you knew me you would think "she's got it all" – a great job, lovely husband, beautiful daughter, two dogs, nice house, loving family, small group of fabulous friends. You'd think I was so confident and the life and soul of any party or event but... and there is a big BUT!  

My horrible secret is that I wear a mask to hide a person who is rotten with imposter syndrome and navigating anxiety on an hourly basis. I spend my life wondering ‘what if it all goes wrong?’ and ‘when will it all fall apart?’. I'm riddled with fear that my job will go or my husband will find someone new and I will fail again. My biggest issue is failing and the fear of it.  

Hiding behind the mask

No-one knows that secret because the mask I wear means I don’t have to face or expose that vulnerable side of me with anyone (aside from all you lovely people reading this).  

It hides my own thoughts and panic very well.  You see a big thing happened in my life where I publicly failed on an off the scale level for me.  

My husband (number one) was having affairs for most of our married life and I kinda knew, but I took the approach that I made my bed so I had to lie in it. I pretended it wasn’t happening.  I couldn’t admit to anyone I failed. I blamed it all on myself – because how did I pick someone who could treat me like this?

How did I let someone treat me this way? Why was I not smart enough to notice what was going on and address it?  

So when the whistle was blown on the cheating by a random stranger, I was forced to act and my days of wearing a mask shifted from amateur to professional mode.  A failed attempt at suicide was masked.  Severe anxiety and depression were both masked.  

Everyone was fooled (I think!) because even my work colleagues and parents didn’t know my marriage had fallen apart for many months, whilst the wedding ring remained on and the façade continued.  

Hey, I even masked domestic violence throughout the whole episode as well.  I was a pro and buried myself in work to overcome the failure – succeeding at work meant I could focus on that and not my failing personal life!  

Bullying led to my life falling apart

If work continued then that minimised the failure, right? The masking continued.  Then the unthinkable happened – someone started to bully me at work and my life completely fell apart and went into a tail-spin.  

My mask did the Hokey Cokey. It was on, off, on, off, slipping, lost, useless and then I just fell apart.  I couldn’t mask like a pro anymore.  I had nothing left and all of a sudden I had to admit to failure and not having my shit together!  

I literally fell apart mentally and emotionally.  I had to put myself back together again and I have no idea how I did it. That was 2019 and it's five years later, so I survived.  I still wear a mask to this day – I always will because life throws curveballs at you and we all have off days!  

I am still anxious and fear failure.  My masks are my way of coping – they have allowed me to survive not just the 'a bit shitty days' but also the worst days of my life.  

At this point you're probably wondering what the moral of the story is. Is there one?  

There actually is and it’s to use whatever tools you need to survive, with the caveat that it's not going to make matters worse.  

Pandora's Box

While wearing a mask allowed me to tuck away all my feelings of failure into a Pandora’s Box, it also meant I didn’t address those issues in the moment. But unlike masking my emotions with drinking, drugs, gambling, or other vices (though some might argue that work became my vice!), I wasn’t creating additional problems for myself.

So using a mask might not be conventional (or is it?) but it worked for me.  The other thing to remember is we are all unique and whilst masking worked (and still works) for me it is not everyone’s crutch of choice.  

Pick your crutch and use it – if it works for you to get through the daily grind then go you!  If not then you might just fall apart like me and survive.  I am a ‘mask for life’ kinda gal and I suppose I am comfortable with that now.    

If you're experiencing domestic violence, here's links to support organisations.